If Dr. House Solved Theological Mysteries

And now for something completely different:

A script!

Sort of.

Meet Dr. House's new team: St. Augustine of Hippo, Pelagius, and Julian of Norwich.

Yes. Yes, I went there. And you're coming with me.

This will serve best as a review for those who took Church History I (up to late 15th century). Everybody else, it might just - dare I say - tempt you to read these authors' works...

...or convince you to avoid them like the plague. (But that's a House/Church History crossover for another day.)

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[Deep Announcer Voice] You're watching House, M.D., episode: "Damned If You Do" "Deception" "House vs. God" "Human Error" "Saviors"

...Yeesh. All the good ones are taken, aren't they? Fine then.

[Resume Deep Announcer Voice] Episode: "Sin."

Fade in.

House: "Okay, Hippo, what have you got?"

Augustine: "Patient's a chronic liar."

House: "Everybody lies. Tell me something I don't know about him."

Pelagius: "Mates with anything that moves." (Pointed glare at Augustine.) "Steals food even when he is not hungry." (Second pointed glare.) "Prays for forgiveness of sinful behavior but never actually changes said behavior. I could go on."

House: "Please don't. Theories of origin?"

Augustine: "Inherited from the first human."

Pelagius: "Socialization. Culture. Habit."

Augustine: "Exacerbated by habit. Originated in the first human."

House (already bored of them): "Julian, you're awfully quiet today. You forget how to interact with other human life during your long career as an anchorwoman?"

Julian: "Anchoress, Dr. House."

House: "Same thing. So you have something to contribute, or do you want to think on it for another 25 years first?"

Julian: "I think the patient was just doing his best. He couldn't help but stumble, but he only stumbled because he wanted so greatly to please his Lord."

House: "God help us. Pelagius? You have a diagnosis rolling around in that perfect little head of yours?"

Pelagius: "Maybe it's lup-"

(House glares.)

Pelagius: "Uh, loop-de-loops. Terrible things. Everyone should walk the straight and narrow, I always say. We're all perfectly capable of avoiding spiritual detours."

Augustine (adding insistently): "God willing."

House: "Fine. We've established that it's sin. We don't know how it got there, but we know we want to get rid of it. Julian, they're a lost cause. I'm looking at you for a prognosis."

Julian: "All shall be well."

House: "That's not funny, Julian. You said that about the last three patients. We're trying to save a life here."

Augustine: "Salvation isn't in our hands, House. It is by God's mercy that--"

House (losing patience...no pun intended): "Okay, Hippo, I get it. Could you just tell the anchoress here that she can't give the same prognosis for every patient without even considering the nature of their illness? A guy could be wheeled in here on a gurney after being hit by a bus and she'd still say the same damned thing."

Julian (bristling at the use of 'damned'): "Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it can't happen."

House: "Wilson, is that you? You've done something to your hair. And voice. And..." (looks down her body and prickles)

Julian: "What I meant was what is impossible for you is not impossible for--"

House (sighs dramatically): "Pelagius, go break into Sinbad's house and look for some dirt on the man."

Pelagius: "I can't."

House: "Can't what?"

Pelagius: "Break into his house."

House: "Oh, for Christ's sake."

(Team members exchange glances.)

House: "That's it. You span 1000 years of church history among you and you still can't even fathom the basis of sin. How the hell do you expect to be able to figure out how it's treated?"

(Team members exchange glances. Then: uproar, chaos, heated arguments. House takes his cane and Vicodin and heads for the door.)

House: "We're missing something."

End scene.