I Am The Very Model Of An MDiv Seminarian

I started this early on in my time at Drew, but got only so far with so much to do.

Having just seen Wicked, with all its wit, I was inspired to come back and finish it.

(If that bothered you you're not going to like what comes next. Get out while you still can.)




I Am The Very Model Of An MDiv Seminarian
(to the tune of the Major General's Song by Gilbert & Sullivan)

I am the very model of an MDiv seminarian
I've information Methodist, Catholic, Unitarian
I know the popes of Rome who have significance historical
From Gregory to Paul the Sixth, in order categorical

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters homiletical
I preach the Word in such a way that's modern-day prophetical
Of Hebrew texts like Exodus I'm teeming with a lot of news
With many cheerful facts about the freedom of a lot of Jews

(With many cheerful facts about the freedom of a lot of Jews
With many cheerful facts about the freedom of a lot of Jews
With many cheerful facts about the freedom of a-lot-a-lot of Jews)

I'm very good at doctrine, creeds, and intricate theologies
I know locations, dates, and names of missionaries overseas
In short, in matters Methodist, Catholic, Unitarian
I am the very model of an MDiv seminarian

(In short, in matters Methodist, Catholic, Unitarian
She is the very model of an MDiv seminarian)

I know our bold traditions include flaws and mediocrities
I welcome hard dilemmas, I've a pretty taste for Socrates
I can quote from rote the ancients' known theophanies
With God-speak, I can floor the folks with charismatic tendencies

I can tell evangelistic work from imperialistic ways
I know the justice issues that are relevant to present day
Then I can stand and protest just as well as any Protestant
And say whatever reeks of bigotry and hate has not assent

(And say whatever reeks of bigotry and hate has not assent
And say whatever reeks of bigotry and hate has not assent
And say whatever reeks of bigotry and hate has-not-has-not a scent.)

Snifffff.

Then I can write proposals for inventive outreach ministries
And tell you ev'ry detail of our local churches' histories
In short, in matters Methodist, Catholic, Unitarian
I am the very model of an MDiv seminarian

(In short, in matters Methodist, Catholic, Unitarian
She is the very model of an MDiv seminarian)

In fact, when I know what is meant by "exegete" and "Pharisee"
When I can tell at sight a not-for-profit from a charity
When stained glass art I analyze becomes that much more beautiful
And when I know precisely what is meant by "hermeneutical"

When I've developed techniques in deciphering Hebrew punnery
When I know more novenas than a novice in a nunnery
In short, when I've a smattering of Armageddon strategy
You'll say a better seminarian had never sniped zombies.

(You'll say a better seminarian had never sniped zombies
You'll say a better seminarian had never sniped zombies
You'll say a better seminarian had never wiped out sniped zombies)

For my ecclesiastic knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century
But still, in matters Methodist, Catholic, Unitarian
I am the very model of an MDiv seminarian

(But still, in matters Methodist, Catholic, Unitarian
She is the very model of an MDiv seminarian!)

Denomina! (A Parody of Muppet Proportions)

Didn't know there could be actual lyrics to this song? Neither did I until I wrote them.

Along with the occasional nonsense word, of course, because no Muppet parody should be devoid of nonsense words.

So this one goes out to anyone who's baffled by how many Christian denominations there are. Use this handy song to remember just a few of them and what makes them special. Just like you. Awww.





Denomina!
(to the tune of Mahna-Mahna as performed by the Muppets)

Denominations!

(Denomina.)

We're Friends, or Quakers, (Denomina!) with quiet hope. (Denomina!)
We're Roman Catholics. We've got Mass, and missals, and as of '13 Francis is our Pope.

Denomina na-na na-na... Ba da da, ba ba-da ba... eh?
Denomina.

Episcopalians, (Denomina!) like "Catholic Lite." (Denomina!)
And we're the Baptists. We're called to the altar to pray and practice our baptismal rite.

Denom ba ba da bom... Denom ba da, ba ba da bom... Ba ba bada... ba da ba! Na... Na?
Denomina.

We're Anabaptists. (Denomina!) We'll dunk you twice. (Denomina!)
You might have heard of the Amish, the Shakers, or even Menno Simons' Mennonites.

Denom-anama-nama-nama... Na ma na... Neh.
Denomina.

Remember Luther? (Denomina!) We're Lutheran. (Denomina!)
He wanted Scripture in German, his language, so common folks could hear the truth therein.

Denom ba ba da bom... Denom ba ba da bom... Ba da bom...
Denomina.

We're Presbyterians. (Denomina!) Calvin's our guy. (Denomina!)
Predestination? That just means that God chose where everyone will end up when we die.

Denomina!

We're Pentecostals. (Denomina!) Our Spirit's strong. (Denomina!)
And we're the Methodists. Our founder's John Wesley. We like to sing; that's why we wrote this song.

Hello?  Okay. Just a second. It's for you.

Denomina!

Kermit and the Snowths

1 Way to Focus a Reluctant Student

Sometimes you need to improvise.

One day, during a stint as a tutor in an afterschool program, I worked primarily with one fifth-grade girl who was at first very reluctant to open her New York State history book, explaining in no uncertain terms that she did not want to study New York.

At the time, I was studying American Sign Language, and what otherwise may have been a verbal battle of convincing the kid that she did want to crack the book and get to work took a turn for the lighthearted and stress-free.

"New York?" I asked, signing it into my palm. "I'm from New York. Are you?" As I signed the rest, her eyes lit up in a way that I hadn't seen before. She mimicked my gestures. I broke down the signs for her to repeat.

"What language is that?" she finally asked, and when I told her it was American Sign Language she simply smiled and opened her book.

I'm fascinated that teaching a distracted or reluctant student something new and somewhat unrelated can potentially help her focus. Why did it work? Was she simply ready in her own time, or was it just enough of a break in tension to ease her back into her studies?  Whatever it was then, I stand by the idea now that learning is best when we engage our senses of curiosity and play.

---

A revision of an entry in my service-learning journal, October 2009.