Drink the Cup (A Buttercup Communion Parody)

We started our Church at Worship hymn project in class last night. This will not be the song I share with the class, for reasons which will be abundantly clear in a minute, but I will always remember it as the song I wrote fresh off our hymnody lesson. Nothing can take that away from me.



Drink the Cup
To the tune of "Build Me Up Buttercup" by the Foundations

Why don't you drink the cup? (drink the cup)
Drink it up, baby
When you eat the bread (eat the bread) 'cause Jesus ain't dead
It's the bread of life (bread of life) and blood of Christ, baby
Does that freak you out? (freak you out)
No reason to shout
It's just juice (it's just juice) and some pita bread pieces
The wafers are all gluten-free
So drink the cup (drink the cup), drink it up
But save some for me

Staff went to the store, couldn't get any more
Of that juice I used to like to drink (bah-dah-dah)
But it's not so bad, it'll be just a dab
Don't taste much whenever I intinct

(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, you try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little wine, the fruit of the vine
(Hey, hey, hey!) Wanna sip
But, oh, instead you dip bread into juice
Ooo-oo-ooh, ooo-oo-ooh

Why don't you drink the cup? (drink the cup)
Drink it up, baby
When you eat the bread (eat the bread) 'cause Jesus ain't dead
It's the bread of life (bread of life) and blood of Christ, baby
Does that freak you out? (freak you out)
No reason to shout
It's just juice (it's just juice) and some pita bread pieces
The wafers are all gluten-free
So drink the cup (drink the cup), drink it up
Save some for me

Poor thing, had to sneeze. That made you drop your piece on the floor
And you were blushing then (bah-dah-dah)
"God bless you," I said. "You can take some new bread. There's still more"
Now let's try that again

(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, you try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little wine, the fruit of the vine
(Hey, hey, hey!) Wanna sip
But, oh, instead you dip bread into juice
Ooo-oo-ooh, ooo-oo-ooh

Why don't you drink the cup? (drink the cup)
Drink it up, baby
When you eat the bread (eat the bread) 'cause Jesus ain't dead
It's the bread of life (bread of life) and blood of Christ, baby
Does that freak you out? (freak you out)
No reason to shout
It's just juice (it's just juice) and some pita bread pieces
The wafers are all gluten-free
So drink the cup (drink the cup), drink it up
Save some for me

I-I-I drink ju-u-u-uice with my pita bread pieces
The wafers are all gluten-free
So drink the cup (drink the cup), drink it up
Save some for me

I Am The Very Model Of An MDiv Seminarian

I started this early on in my time at Drew, but got only so far with so much to do.

Having just seen Wicked, with all its wit, I was inspired to come back and finish it.

(If that bothered you you're not going to like what comes next. Get out while you still can.)




I Am The Very Model Of An MDiv Seminarian
(to the tune of the Major General's Song by Gilbert & Sullivan)

I am the very model of an MDiv seminarian
I've information Methodist, Catholic, Unitarian
I know the popes of Rome who have significance historical
From Gregory to Paul the Sixth, in order categorical

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters homiletical
I preach the Word in such a way that's modern-day prophetical
Of Hebrew texts like Exodus I'm teeming with a lot of news
With many cheerful facts about the freedom of a lot of Jews

(With many cheerful facts about the freedom of a lot of Jews
With many cheerful facts about the freedom of a lot of Jews
With many cheerful facts about the freedom of a-lot-a-lot of Jews)

I'm very good at doctrine, creeds, and intricate theologies
I know locations, dates, and names of missionaries overseas
In short, in matters Methodist, Catholic, Unitarian
I am the very model of an MDiv seminarian

(In short, in matters Methodist, Catholic, Unitarian
She is the very model of an MDiv seminarian)

I know our bold traditions include flaws and mediocrities
I welcome hard dilemmas, I've a pretty taste for Socrates
I can quote from rote the ancients' known theophanies
With God-speak, I can floor the folks with charismatic tendencies

I can tell evangelistic work from imperialistic ways
I know the justice issues that are relevant to present day
Then I can stand and protest just as well as any Protestant
And say whatever reeks of bigotry and hate has not assent

(And say whatever reeks of bigotry and hate has not assent
And say whatever reeks of bigotry and hate has not assent
And say whatever reeks of bigotry and hate has-not-has-not a scent.)

Snifffff.

Then I can write proposals for inventive outreach ministries
And tell you ev'ry detail of our local churches' histories
In short, in matters Methodist, Catholic, Unitarian
I am the very model of an MDiv seminarian

(In short, in matters Methodist, Catholic, Unitarian
She is the very model of an MDiv seminarian)

In fact, when I know what is meant by "exegete" and "Pharisee"
When I can tell at sight a not-for-profit from a charity
When stained glass art I analyze becomes that much more beautiful
And when I know precisely what is meant by "hermeneutical"

When I've developed techniques in deciphering Hebrew punnery
When I know more novenas than a novice in a nunnery
In short, when I've a smattering of Armageddon strategy
You'll say a better seminarian had never sniped zombies.

(You'll say a better seminarian had never sniped zombies
You'll say a better seminarian had never sniped zombies
You'll say a better seminarian had never wiped out sniped zombies)

For my ecclesiastic knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century
But still, in matters Methodist, Catholic, Unitarian
I am the very model of an MDiv seminarian

(But still, in matters Methodist, Catholic, Unitarian
She is the very model of an MDiv seminarian!)

Denomina! (A Parody of Muppet Proportions)

Didn't know there could be actual lyrics to this song? Neither did I until I wrote them.

Along with the occasional nonsense word, of course, because no Muppet parody should be devoid of nonsense words.

So this one goes out to anyone who's baffled by how many Christian denominations there are. Use this handy song to remember just a few of them and what makes them special. Just like you. Awww.





Denomina!
(to the tune of Mahna-Mahna as performed by the Muppets)

Denominations!

(Denomina.)

We're Friends, or Quakers, (Denomina!) with quiet hope. (Denomina!)
We're Roman Catholics. We've got Mass, and missals, and as of '13 Francis is our Pope.

Denomina na-na na-na... Ba da da, ba ba-da ba... eh?
Denomina.

Episcopalians, (Denomina!) like "Catholic Lite." (Denomina!)
And we're the Baptists. We're called to the altar to pray and practice our baptismal rite.

Denom ba ba da bom... Denom ba da, ba ba da bom... Ba ba bada... ba da ba! Na... Na?
Denomina.

We're Anabaptists. (Denomina!) We'll dunk you twice. (Denomina!)
You might have heard of the Amish, the Shakers, or even Menno Simons' Mennonites.

Denom-anama-nama-nama... Na ma na... Neh.
Denomina.

Remember Luther? (Denomina!) We're Lutheran. (Denomina!)
He wanted Scripture in German, his language, so common folks could hear the truth therein.

Denom ba ba da bom... Denom ba ba da bom... Ba da bom...
Denomina.

We're Presbyterians. (Denomina!) Calvin's our guy. (Denomina!)
Predestination? That just means that God chose where everyone will end up when we die.

Denomina!

We're Pentecostals. (Denomina!) Our Spirit's strong. (Denomina!)
And we're the Methodists. Our founder's John Wesley. We like to sing; that's why we wrote this song.

Hello?  Okay. Just a second. It's for you.

Denomina!

Kermit and the Snowths

Wesley's Quadrilateral (Parody)

A parody to the tune of What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction

Sunday school teachers! Seminarians! Methodist nerds!

Ever get so happy about the Wesleyan Quadrilateral that you just want to sing about it?

You are not alone. That's why this exists.

Also, because one of my junior youth brings up One Direction in nearly every conversation and this seemed like a wise business move.



You're insecure
Don't know the four
Items that make up a religious core
Why get caught up
In abstract stuff?
Simple geometry will be enough

Methodists got a good way to say it
Four little words will do

[Chorus]
Experience makes Scripture more than just a tract
Tradition's what churches launched in the Book of Acts
And Reason's what your brain makes out of all the facts
So now you know
Oh Oh
Wesley's Quadrilateral

Miracles are things for some to see
Parables can make a mess of simplicity
There are so many ways each person can believe
So now you know
Oh Oh
Wesley's Quadrilateral
Oh Oh
Wesley's Quadrilateral

Say, "C-come on.
Knew all along"?
But just in case, I put it in a song

Wesley got cred
Once he was dead
And now this box thing will be stuck in my head

Methodists got a good way to say it
Four little words will do

[Chorus]
Experience makes Scripture more than just a tract
Tradition's what churches launched in the Book of Acts
And Reason's what your brain makes out of all the facts
So now you know
Oh Oh
Wesley's Quadrilateral

Miracles are things for some to see
Parables can make a mess of simplicity
There are so many ways each person can believe
So now you know
Oh Oh
Wesley's Quadrilateral
Oh Oh
Wesley's Quadrilateral

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na

[Chorus]
Experience makes Scripture more than just a tract
Tradition's what churches launched in the Book of Acts...

(Spoken Interruption) Actually, some of our traditions can be traced even further.

...And Reason's what your brain makes out of all the facts
So now you know
Oh Oh
Wesley's Quadrilateral

Miracles are things for some to see
Parables can make a mess of simplicity
There are so many ways each person can believe
So now you know
Oh Oh
Wesley's Quadrilateral
Oh Oh
Wesley's Quadrilateral
Oh Oh
Wesley's Quadrilateral

If You Wanna Get Your M.Div (Song for Kirk)

A parody based on Wannabe by the Spice Girls

Dedicated to Kirk, who planted the idea in my head (and who recently celebrated a birthday - happy belated birthday, Kirk!)

Yo, I'll tell you about Kant, if you really, really want
Yeah, tell me about Kant, that's really what I want
I'll tell you about Kant, if you really, really want
Yeah, tell me about Kant, that's really what I want
I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha)
I wanna really, really, really wanna Div-a-Div ah

If you want a future about the past
If you want Divinity, better study fast
Now don't go wasting your precious time
Stop procrastinating, make your next outline

I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want
I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha)
I wanna really, really, really wanna Div-a-Div ah
If you wanna get your M.Div, you gotta get to the end
(Gotta get to the end)
School can last forever, research never ends
If you wanna get your M.Div, count to 84
That's how many credits will get you out the door

Oh, what do you think about that
Holy Communion meal?
When they lift the bread up is Christ Jesus real?
(Is he for real?)
It's not that I think
That it's absurd
Transubstantiation's just too big a word

Yo I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want
I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha)
I wanna really, really, really wanna Div-a-Div ah

If you wanna get your M.Div, you gotta get to the end
(Gotta get to the end)
School can last forever, research never ends
If you wanna get your M.Div, count to 84
(To 84)
That's how many credits will get you out the door

So, Worship, Ethics, Theology
You wanna feel naïve? Take two terms of History
Read the Word in Bib Lit, and if your schedule fits,
Then take Greek like a geek and get your Logos on
Peace and Justice don't come for free, there's tuition fee
And by year three, ha you'll see

Cram for your exams and turn up all your jams
Cram for your exams and turn up all your jams

If you wanna get your M.Div, you gotta get to the end
(Gotta get to the end)
School can last forever, research never ends
If you wanna get your M.Div, count to 84
(To 84)
That's how many credits will get you out the door

If you wanna get your M.Div
You gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta
Cram, cram, cram, cram
(School can last forever)

Cram for your exams and turn up all your jams
Cram for your exams and turn up all your jams
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Cram for your exams and turn up all your jams
Cram for your exams and Div-a-Div ah
If you wanna get your M.Div

I'm Not Gonna (An Anthem for Amanda)

A parody based on Love Song by Sara Bareilles

I once heard that Sara Bareilles' anti-Love Song was written not for a romantic partner but for the music industry.  Bareilles wanted to compose songs for the sake of what she wanted to say and how she wanted to say it.  It got me thinking about the kinds of compromises people might make in their professions – especially moral and creative compromises – and the choice to draw the line somewhere.

So this parody goes out to my friend Amanda and candidates for ministry of all denominations, with a special shout-out to the United Methodist Church's District Committee on Ordained Ministry (DCOM).

I haven't had the pleasure of going to DCOM yet, but I've heard a lot of stories about people considering ordination who have reservations about one issue or another that might prevent them from being ordained.  Often this means a conundrum for the candidate: How much can I disclose about what I believe, who I am, or what has happened in my past?  What language will I use in prayer and worship?  Will I speak to God differently while in the presence of my superiors and my parishioners?

I've heard about people who struggle with using patriarchal or lordship language for the divine; people who belong to the LGBT community or who would otherwise ordain or wed them in their pastoral role; and people who have different understandings of what it means to be welcoming, inclusive, or ecumenical and what it means for the United Methodist Church to brand itself with the slogan "Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors."  I've heard about people who challenge the desperate need for quantity over quality: attracting members but falling short of fortifying them and nourishing their souls.  I've heard about people who have lost their ministerial jobs or new opportunities because of health concerns (usually mental health), including one man who was at the top of a committee's list to become their next pastor until they discovered that he'd previously been institutionalized.

The fact that this man and others in all of these situations wrestle with how much to "tell" those who make decisions about their ordination or employment begs a few questions:

Do our churches want clergy who fit a certain image, even if someone must lie or withhold information about themselves, their personal histories, their health, their beliefs, their ideas?  To what extent will they support the virtues of authenticity and honesty?  To what extent are they willing to have diversity among the clergy – not just of race and age and so forth, but also of perspectives and abilities and experiences?

Please substitute the theme "I'm not gonna pray to 'Lord Jesus'" with the ordination-threatening issue of your choice, i.e. "I'm not gonna say I'm a straight man," "I'm not gonna call God the 'Father,'" or even something as broad as "I'm not gonna keep out the outcasts."  It's really about being authentic while pursuing your vocation more than any one theological conflict.

Heading to D-COM
Where you tell me
To breathe easy for awhile
But breathing gets harder
Even I know that
My ministry?
It's too soon to see
And my future's in your hands
(After the part I say what I need to)

Blank stares on your faces
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me

I'm not gonna pray to "Lord Jesus"
'Cause you're used to it, 'cause it serves you, you see
I'm not gonna pray to "Lord Jesus"
'Cause you tell me it's make-or-breaking this
If I'll be ordained
I'm not gonna lie just to stay
If you want an honest clergy
Then I pray you don't desert me
When I stand
Before you today

I've learned the hard way
That we all say things you wanna hear
God's called on us
But it's still your call
You can still say who's in
What counts as sin
Fill the church with your closest kin
Hello to high and dry

Convince me to please you
Make me think that God wants this, too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

I'm not gonna pray to "Lord Jesus"
'Cause you're used to it, 'cause it serves you, you see
I'm not gonna pray to "Lord Jesus"
'Cause you tell me it's make-or-breaking this
If I'll be ordained
I'm not gonna change just to stay
And after all, I think it's wise
That I refuse to compromise
My conscience and lie here today

Promise me you'll leave the light on
To help me be
Whom God has called on
'Cause I believe there's a way
To accept me because I say
I won't pray to "Lord Jesus"
'Cause you're used to it, 'cause it serves you, you see
I'm not gonna pray to "Lord Jesus"
'Cause you tell me it's make-or-breaking this

Is that why you want a "Lord Jesus"?
'Cause you're used to it, 'cause it serves you, you see
I'm not gonna pray to "Lord Jesus"
'Cause you tell me it's make-or-breaking this
If I'll be ordained
I'm not gonna lie just to stay
If there's lordship language in it
I don't want it for a minute
And some silently agree but
I believe that our dear Jesus
Would want me to speak up today

Rahab (A Winehouse Parody of Biblical Proportions)

Inspired by our recent Biblical Literature readings and borrowing the tune of "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse, I wrote this song about the prostitute Rahab from the Book of Joshua.

This is from the perspective of the two spies, who were obviously singing on their way back to Jericho.

Best read along with this video:



We hid out by the wall with Rahab; then she said, "Go, go, go!"
Jericho's sacked now that we came back, you know, know, know
We ain't got much time; we said her family would be fine
We've gotta go back to save Rahab 'cause she's no foe, foe, foe

Josh led our siege a brand new way
It only took seven days
Six for marching,
For marching 'round the city
And then we yelled 'til walls began to sway

We burnt that city up real fast
Once it fell down from our priests' rams' horn blasts

We hid out by the wall with Rahab; then she said, "Go, go, go!"
Jericho's sacked now that we came back, you know, know, know
We ain't got much time; we said her family would be fine
We've gotta go back to save Rahab 'cause she's no foe, foe, foe

The King said, "Where'd they go from here?"
She said, "I got no idea.
Pursue them; pursue them out the gateway."
So the kings' men traveled far and near
She came and got us from the flax:
"Spare me from your siege once you're back."

We hid out by the wall with Rahab; then she said, "Go, go, go!"
Jericho's sacked now that we came back, you know, know, know

We Israelites trusted God again
Josh knew, ooh, Josh knew God's plan
It would only take one week
And everyone knows how this war ends

Even though we spied
Rahab helped us both to hide

We hid out by the wall with Rahab; then she said, "Go, go, go!"
Jericho's sacked now that we came back, you know, know, know
We ain't got much time; we said her family would be fine
We've gotta go back to save Rahab 'cause she's no foe, foe, foe

The Reformation Polka

I WISH I had written this.

Martin Luther, meet Mary Poppins.



With thanks to Chris for showing this to me after mistakenly wondering if it had been one of my parodies.

A Few of My Favorite Things

Because romping around in song à la Julie Andrews might be all it takes to embrace the beginning of a new school year like taking hold of an ice cream cone (and distract us momentarily from the barrage of natural disasters already heralding the season).



Crisp spines on textbooks and fine marginalia
Matriculation and profs in regalia
History lectures on prophets and kings
These are a few of my favorite things!

Reading and writing and researching papers
Footnotes and endnotes and hoarding the staplers
Bibliographic citations that sing
These are a few of my favorite things!

Worship in chapel with good-humored preachers
Old bathroom sinks with nice new non-splash features
Ready to take on intensives in spring
These are a few of my favorite things!

When the cold bites, when the grade stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad!

A Girl's Best Friend, Anglican Style

It's been a while since I've posted one of my own song parodies, but I have a special treat for you.

Apparently the apple doesn't fall far from the ministerial tree -

I've just been notified that one of my former ministers and great mentors, the priest from an Episcopal Church I attended regularly over 10 years ago, is a parody lyricist.

This is rather how I imagine it would be to discover a hidden part of my family tree, thus clearing up some unexplained genetics. Really. This explains a lot.

But it gets better. She's not only written lyrics but has also taken it to the next level... and recorded a video.

So without further ado: "The Prayerbook Is A Girl's Best Friend." (Didn't you know that?)



Written and performed by Rev. Suzanne Guthrie (lyrics found here), based upon "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend" from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.

She puts me to shame. I think I need to step up my song parodies.

Thanks for the inspiration, Rev!

We Didn't Start the Fire: Church Edition

Billy Joel wrote his song because he originally wanted to be a history teacher.

I wrote this parody song because I suspect we've already covered more people and events in the 500 years of Church History II than we did in all 1500 years of Church History I.

This one goes out to theo students and churchgoers everywhere.

Best appreciated along with the video of the original "We Didn't Start the Fire" (I chose the one with the lyrics in case you'd like to sing along with Joel's version, too):



John Wycliffe, Jan Hus, Calvin, and Erasmus
Ulrich Zwingli, Luther's Theses, 1517
Johann Tetzel, humanism, Institutes of the Religion
Augsburg, Zurich, Marburg, Munster, Wittenberg's the scene

Menno Simons' Mennonites, T'resa's Discalced Carmelites
William Farel, Dentiere, England's Book of Common Prayer
Church of England splits off, Catholic Pope is ticked off
Edward's king at nine years old (he was Henry's male heir)

(Chorus)

Thomas Muntzer, Peasants' War, Thomas Cranmer, Thomas More
Anabaptists, Conrad Groebel, St. John of the Cross
Thomas Coke, George Blaurock, Argula von Grumbach
Richard Hooker, John Mott, France gets Huguenots

Plague spread by street rats, Communion causes Christian spats
Battles about liturgy: Queen Liz plays the referee
King James Bible, John Knox, Margaret Fell weds George Fox
Quakers pray - in PA; at the meetings no one talks

(Chorus)

Madison, Jefferson, and the Presbyterians
Puritan Commonwealth, Zinzendorf in ill health
Philip Spener, Pietism, Wesley brothers, Methodism
Church Revivals raising zeal; Edwards' words are working well

Independents, Baptists, Brown-Blackwell, Berry-Smith
Melchior Hoffman, J. Gresham Machen
Lott Carey, John Murray, Circuit Riders, Asbury
Whitefield's people praise him, even Franklin pays him

(Chorus)

Helen Kim, Reverdy Ransom, girls think Billy Sunday's handsome
Moody, Finney, journal of Jarena Lee
Cane Ridge and Azusa Street, Baptist congregations meet
Allen founds the AME, Varick adds to that a Z

Winthrop, Rauschenbusch, Willard gives girls' rights a push
Each school day, kids must pray; what else do I have to say?

(Chorus)

Social gospel, Lottie Moon (this song will be over soon)
Cartwright starts right; known to preach and fight
Shailer, Taylor, Prosser, Liele (progress sure can take a while)
Roger Williams, Modernists, Oberlin Perfectionists

Fundamentals, worship trends, changes at the Vatican
Dead Sea Scrolls, Rahner, Barth, World Council, Kierkegaard
Missionaries on new shores, schisms beckon at the door,
Now for all new holy wars, I can't take it anymore

(Repeat Chorus)

The Religious Society of F·R·I·E·N·D·S

Source

First of all, I have to say that for me this TV sitcom theme song has become inextricably connected to this video from comedian Rob Paravonian:



Second of all, my apologies to the Quaker community. This song was on a loop in my mind all throughout our last Church History class, and the only plausible remedy was to unleash a song parody unto the world. I do so in the spirit of peace and musical mnemonic devices.


The Society of F·R·I·E·N·D·S

So no one told you life was gonna be this way [four claps]
In fact it's true, no one said anything all day
But who needs speech when we've got God to hear?
Wait and listen for a day each week, each month of every year, 'cause...

There's a Light in you
(That you shouldn't ignore)
There's a Light in you
(The divine's at your core)
There's a Light in you
(And there's one in me too)

The churches' doctrine battles made George Fox irate
He preached his own ideas by 1648
And Will Penn brought this stuff across the seas
So then Pennsylvania was the place for Quakers to meet in peace

There's a Light in you
(That you shouldn't ignore)
There's a Light in you
(The divine's at your core)
There's a Light in you
(And there's one in me too)

No one could ever agree
No one could e'er be friendly
So pacifism is our way of living happ'ly
Have Friends to face the day wth,
Quake it through all our quests with,
And Friends we'll always laugh with -
Except we'll do that silently too, yeah

But who needs speech when we've got God to hear?
Wait and listen for a day each week, each month of every year...

There's a Light in you
(That you shouldn't ignore)
There's a Light in you
(The divine's at your core)
There's a Light in you
(And there's one in me too)

There's a Light in you
There's a Light in you
There's a Light in you
(And there's one in me too)

Whoa, We're Halfway There

For those of us on a two-semester system or other Fall-Spring schedule... this? This is for us.

And a special shoutout to those who are now halfway done with their degree program!



Based on "Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi

Tommy thinks outside of the box.
Procrastinatin' Mike is leaning on luck.
School's tough, so tough.

Gina's been here reading all day.
Poring over Kant, she cries and she prays
It'll stop, mmm, it'll stop.

She says we gotta hold on to what we know:
There's one term down now and there's one to go.
Let's give this theo thing all we've got.
Grad school? We'll give it a shot!

Oh, we're halfway there.
Oh oh, livin' on a prayer.
Take my hand. We'll make it, I swear.
Oh oh, livin' on a prayer.

Bookstore's got new textbooks in stock.
They tear into wallets like Lizard poisons Spock.
So tough, mmm, it's tough.

Gina dreams of being ordained.
She works day and night, and Tommy whispers,
Baby, we'll get paid. Someday.

We've got to hold on to what we know:
It doesn't make a difference if the year goes slow.
Let's give this theo thing all we've got.
Grad school? We'll give it a shot!

Oh, we're halfway there.
Oh oh, livin' on a prayer.
Take my hand. We'll make it, I swear.
Oh oh, livin' on a prayer.
Livin' on a prayer!

We gotta hold on, ready or not.
You live for the fight when that's all that you've got!

[Key Change of Awesome]

Whoa, we're halfway there.
Whoa oh, livin' on a prayer.
Take my hand and we'll make it, I swear.
Whoa oh, livin' on a prayer. . . .

I'm Dominican (The Thomas Aquinas Tango)

Apparently the Creativity Monster took hold of me during my church history studies this week, and this is the result.

I'm sorry that the Serious Posts thing didn't last extraordinarily long, but I hope you can forgive me since, really, this song from the "Scrubs" musical (the only episode of the show I've seen - thank you, YouTube and Curtis) is entirely wonderful on its own and worth every moment of allegedly wasted time.

Besides, for those of you studying Thomas Aquinas, the parody will be an upbeat review. Blame it on my high school science teachers who made up songs as teaching tools.

Now, imagine, if you will, Thomas Aquinas and I in an intense tango sequence. He's already dead, of course, but sort of alive in a studying-church-history kind of way. See, look how lively he is just thinking about dancing with me:



And in this case, pronounce "Augustine" as the British Au-GUS-tin, even though this usually doesn't matter because, as the prof says, he is sooo dead!

Lyrics below best read after this video:



"I'm Dominican"
Or, The Thomas Aquinas Tango

"I've had it up to here, so let me make it very clear,
Because I swear I'll never clue you in again.
Every time that you profess that I am Benedictine--"

"Yes?"

"For the last time, Kim, I'm Dominican!"

"Don't make a big to-do. I was simply testing you."

"Then why'd you say my accent sounds 'Cistercian'?"

"Tom, you know I know the truth."

"Well, I need a little proof.
So list all you've learnt about me in that class again."

"Uh. Let's see.
Your name is Thomas, 'last name' Aquinas.
You're a priest, a patron saint and - wait, I've got it - Franciscan..."

"Kim!"

"Ignatian...? Well, you must admit, you monks sure have a lot of sects."

"Tell me, what's my sainthood fame?"

"OK, I'm tired of this game.
Let's forget it. I give up. I guess you win again!
But it's not just me who gets mixed up
By all this strange monastic stuff."

"Sorry, even I know, he's Dominican."

"Did I die in Fossanova or in Michigan?
How long before I lived did Jesus fish for men?
Were my writings e'er inspired by Augustine?
Tell me, am I Benedictine or Dominican?"

"The thing is, students know dumb facts,
Like your birth just East-Southeast of Rome:
Year twelve twenty-five.
And that is why our brains are maxed,
And there's no room for things like doctrine or theology."

"Well, thank you for that glimpse into the minds of seminarians."

"Let's talk about your life and how you first became Dominican."

"Have you read some of my work?"

"Yeah, it made me go berserk...
But I liked the part 'bout proving God's existence."

"God's experienced like heat,
Not just wafers that you eat."

"I guess warmth would make sense to Dominicans.
...And Franciscans."

"Kim!"

"But you're Dominican!"

The Course Registration Song

On a lighter note: a song parody!

I realize recent posts in particular would suggest that AmenAbility has become something of a Serious Blog (or at least a Bloglet that may one day grow up to be Serious). But I'd hate to abandon the whimsical nature that got me through the initial transition to grad school and, let's face it, is getting me through these last few weeks of term.

So please allow me a moment to surrender to the whim and break out into parody. The vaguely serious stuff will be back soon enough.

ALSO, perhaps the best and most educational realization from writing this parody: The Chipmunk Song is a waltz. Who knew?

(Of course, I've just discovered the new rocked-out version, which is decidedly not a waltz.)

Lyrics below are best read after this video (or this one from Look Who's Talking Now, despite that it runs too short):



Spoken:

All right you Drewids! Ready to sing your song?
-I'll say we are!
-Yeah! Let's sing it now!
Okay, Simon Peter?
-Okay!
Okay, Theodor Geisel?
-Okay!
Okay, John Calvin? Calvin? CALVIN!
-OKAY!

Registration time is near:
Time for stress yet time for cheer.
Can't believe Fall's almost done.
Five terms still after this one.
What to plan for Jan and spring?
Wish I could take everything!
Course list is now up to read...
Watch us cause a stampede!

Okay, fellas, get ready. That was very good, Simon Peter.
-Naturally.
Very good, Theodor Geisel.
-[laughter/nonsensical words]
Ah, Calvin, you were a little flat, watch it. Ah, Calvin. Calvin. CALVIN!
-OKAY!

Want Bib Lit: it speaks to me.
I don't! That's all Greek to me.
Course list is now up to read-
Which courses do I need?
What to plan for Jan and spring?
Think I'll take everything!

Very good, boys.
-Let's sing it again!
-Yeah, let's sing it again!
No, that's enough, let's not overdo it.
-What do you mean overdo it?
-We want to sing it again!
Now wait a minute, boys...
-Why can't we sing it again?
Calvin, cut that out... Theodor, just a minute. Simon, will you cut that out? Boys...!



Note: Simon Peter, Theodor Geisel, and John Calvin are not real Drew Theological students' names but are actually pseudonyms and in this context reflect little to nothing about the historical figures with which they might be associated.

Luau Luau

Because we had an annual luau (the fourth, in fact). Like ya do.


It was also a birthday party for a few people.
There was cake and much rejoicing.

Best read after this video... and a fine video it is:



I said Luau Luau, oh oh, I said we gotta go.
Ah yeah-yeah yeah-yeah-yeah!
Luau Luau, oh baby,
I said we gotta go.

My Green Villa friends, they wait for me.
It's quite a trip through all the trees.
The squirrels that try to stare me down
Can't stop me when I'm Luau-bound!

I said Luau Luau, oh oh, I said we gotta go.
Ah yeah-yeah yeah-yeah-yeah!
Luau Luau, oh baby,
I said we gotta go.

Alright now, yeah...

(guitar solo)

When students need some levity,
Our "Captain Sparrow" leads festivities.
Sadly, next year he'll be gone,
But Luau feasts always will live on!

I said Luau Luau, oh oh, I said we gotta go.
Ah yeah-yeah yeah-yeah-yeah!
Luau Luau, oh baby,
I said we gotta go.

I said we gotta go now.





Thank you all for great food, great company, and a great time!
We'll miss you, Captain!

Study and Pay (Be Matriculated)

In honor of our matriculation service on Thursday, Sept. 9th, which you can see here.

With apologies to the Offspring... both the band and my own (hypothetical offspring), who may be scarred upon learning of their mother's parody-writing past.

Best read after this video:



You gotta be matriculated.

Economy is crashin'?
Save on residence fees:
The kids who camp out overnight in the classroom
Get diplomas with the greatest of ease.

The staff state their own school rationale -
That if they catch you skippin' then it's all over, pal.
Paid your tuition and you won't get it back.
They're gonna cash it in, cash it in, cash it in, cash it in...

Hey! Joined the university?
Sign the book!
You gotta be matriculated.

Hey! Now you're payin' mad money?
Sign the book!
You gotta be matriculated.

Hey, don't pay no mind.
Max out all your credits and you'll graduate on time.
Hey, study and pay.

By the time you find your passion
It's already too late.
Wrote your thesis on mating habits of quail;
You'd have rather studied Gregory the Great.

It goes down the same as the thousand before.
Now you're getting smarter;
That's what learning is for.
So for your next degree you've got it all figured out.
You're gonna write about Popes, write about Popes, write about...

Hey! Now you're payin' mad money?
Sign the book!
You gotta be matriculated.

Hey! Joined the university?
Sign the book!
You gotta be matriculated.

Hey, don't pay no mind.
Max out all your credits and you'll graduate on time.
Hey, study and pay.

It goes down the same as the thousand before.
Now you're getting smarter;
That's what learning is for.
So for your next degree you've got it all figured out.
You're gonna write about Popes, write about Popes, write about...

Hey! Joined the university?
Sign the book!
You gotta be matriculated.

Hey! Now you're payin' mad money?
Sign the book!
You gotta be matriculated.

Hey, don't pay no mind.
Max out all your credits and you'll graduate on time.
Hey, study and pay.

Hey There Corinthians

A song in honor of studying Paul's letters to the Corinthians (i.e. what came about as I was doing this week's Church History homework).

Best read after this video:



Hey there Corinthians,
What's it like in Corinth city?
I'm two hundred miles away,
And yes, it really is a pity,
But it's true:
Nobody needs help quite like you.
Advice is due.

Hey there Corinthians,
Don't you worry about the distance.
I've sent Timothy to see you;
He'll arrive and you can't miss 'm.
By the way,
What's this about idol feast days?
That's not OK.

Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat,
What you do to meat.

Hey there Corinthians,
I know times are getting hard,
But just believe me now --
The Lord will come again to mend what's marred.
We'll have it good.
We'll have the life we knew we would.
God's word is good.

Hey there Corinthians,
I've got so much left to say.
If every simple note I wrote to you
Would take your sins away,
I'd write it all.
Only Christ can catch us when we fall.
He saves us all.

(But by the way...)

Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.

Two hundred miles seems pretty far,
But we can navigate with stars.
I'll write you even when I cannot stay.
The guards may all make fun of us,
And we will just press on because
We know that none of them can change our ways.
Corinthians, I can promise you
That by the time God gets through
The world will never ever be the same,
For Jesus' name.

Hey there Corinthians,
You be good and don't you miss me.
Two more years and I'll be put in jail
And I'll be making history like I do.
(You'll know it's not because of you.
Sanhedrin do what they want to.)
Hey there Corinthians, here's to you.
This one's for you.

(Oh yeah, and...)

Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat,
What you do to meat.


-----

As a side note, it really sort of frightens me just how little of this song I needed to change.



(Image copyright Gospel Communications International, Inc – www.reverendfun.com)

Eight Days a Week

Or, "A Lyrical Expression of How I Feel After the First Week of Classes"

Best read after this video:



Ooh I need some tea, babe,
And some cookies too.
Stock them in my room, babe,
'Cause I've got lots to do...

"Read me, write me, read me, write me!"
I ain't got nothin' but work, babe,
Eight days a week.

I'll read you someday, Miles,
For Church Hist'ry 1.
You're not a very big book
And yet you weigh a ton...

"Read me, write me, read me, write me!"
I ain't got nothin' but work, babe,
Eight days a week.

Eight days a week
I stu-u-u-u-u-dy.
Eight days a week
Is not enough to read it all.

Ooh I need coffee, babe,
And some chocolate too.
Stock them in my room, babe,
'Cause I've got lots to do.

"Read me, write me, read me, write me!"
I ain't got nothin' but work, babe,
Eight days a week.

Eight days a week
I stu-u-u-u-u-dy.
Eight days a week
Is not enough to learn it all.

Read Adams ev'ry day now,
Just finished Section 1.
(I've survived just one-twelfth
Of Social Justice fun.)

"Read me, write me, read me, write me!"
I ain't got nothin' but work, babe,
Eight days a week,
Eight days a week,
Eight days a week.

What I Like About You Drew

Best read after this video:



Hey, uh huh huh
Hey, uh huh huh

What I like about Drew -- you treat me right
House me in C204, nice big windows make it so bright, yeah

Students who have welcomed me here
Tell me all the things that I wanna hear... 'bout free food
That's what I like about Drew

What I like about Drew: you're gonna let me dance
And I'll go up, down, jump around, stumble like I'm stuck in a trance, yeah

Profs so great that they make me cheer
Tell me all the things that I wanna hear... work is due! (WHAT?!)
That's what I like about Drew
That's what I like about Drew
That's what I like about Drew

Wahh!

Hey!

What I like about Drew, your security's tight
Evans made us laugh and your lamps look like Narnia at night, yeah

Seminary staff allay all our fears
Tell us when we leave we MIGHT have careers... we say whew
(But please don't play like that, Drew)
That's what I like about Drew
That's what I like about Drew.....

Hey, uh huh huh, hey hey hey
Hey, uh huh huh, brrr
Hey, uh huh huh, hey