A Few of My Favorite Things

Because romping around in song à la Julie Andrews might be all it takes to embrace the beginning of a new school year like taking hold of an ice cream cone (and distract us momentarily from the barrage of natural disasters already heralding the season).



Crisp spines on textbooks and fine marginalia
Matriculation and profs in regalia
History lectures on prophets and kings
These are a few of my favorite things!

Reading and writing and researching papers
Footnotes and endnotes and hoarding the staplers
Bibliographic citations that sing
These are a few of my favorite things!

Worship in chapel with good-humored preachers
Old bathroom sinks with nice new non-splash features
Ready to take on intensives in spring
These are a few of my favorite things!

When the cold bites, when the grade stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad!

We Didn't Start the Fire: Church Edition

Billy Joel wrote his song because he originally wanted to be a history teacher.

I wrote this parody song because I suspect we've already covered more people and events in the 500 years of Church History II than we did in all 1500 years of Church History I.

This one goes out to theo students and churchgoers everywhere.

Best appreciated along with the video of the original "We Didn't Start the Fire" (I chose the one with the lyrics in case you'd like to sing along with Joel's version, too):



John Wycliffe, Jan Hus, Calvin, and Erasmus
Ulrich Zwingli, Luther's Theses, 1517
Johann Tetzel, humanism, Institutes of the Religion
Augsburg, Zurich, Marburg, Munster, Wittenberg's the scene

Menno Simons' Mennonites, T'resa's Discalced Carmelites
William Farel, Dentiere, England's Book of Common Prayer
Church of England splits off, Catholic Pope is ticked off
Edward's king at nine years old (he was Henry's male heir)

(Chorus)

Thomas Muntzer, Peasants' War, Thomas Cranmer, Thomas More
Anabaptists, Conrad Groebel, St. John of the Cross
Thomas Coke, George Blaurock, Argula von Grumbach
Richard Hooker, John Mott, France gets Huguenots

Plague spread by street rats, Communion causes Christian spats
Battles about liturgy: Queen Liz plays the referee
King James Bible, John Knox, Margaret Fell weds George Fox
Quakers pray - in PA; at the meetings no one talks

(Chorus)

Madison, Jefferson, and the Presbyterians
Puritan Commonwealth, Zinzendorf in ill health
Philip Spener, Pietism, Wesley brothers, Methodism
Church Revivals raising zeal; Edwards' words are working well

Independents, Baptists, Brown-Blackwell, Berry-Smith
Melchior Hoffman, J. Gresham Machen
Lott Carey, John Murray, Circuit Riders, Asbury
Whitefield's people praise him, even Franklin pays him

(Chorus)

Helen Kim, Reverdy Ransom, girls think Billy Sunday's handsome
Moody, Finney, journal of Jarena Lee
Cane Ridge and Azusa Street, Baptist congregations meet
Allen founds the AME, Varick adds to that a Z

Winthrop, Rauschenbusch, Willard gives girls' rights a push
Each school day, kids must pray; what else do I have to say?

(Chorus)

Social gospel, Lottie Moon (this song will be over soon)
Cartwright starts right; known to preach and fight
Shailer, Taylor, Prosser, Liele (progress sure can take a while)
Roger Williams, Modernists, Oberlin Perfectionists

Fundamentals, worship trends, changes at the Vatican
Dead Sea Scrolls, Rahner, Barth, World Council, Kierkegaard
Missionaries on new shores, schisms beckon at the door,
Now for all new holy wars, I can't take it anymore

(Repeat Chorus)

The Religious Society of F·R·I·E·N·D·S

Source

First of all, I have to say that for me this TV sitcom theme song has become inextricably connected to this video from comedian Rob Paravonian:



Second of all, my apologies to the Quaker community. This song was on a loop in my mind all throughout our last Church History class, and the only plausible remedy was to unleash a song parody unto the world. I do so in the spirit of peace and musical mnemonic devices.


The Society of F·R·I·E·N·D·S

So no one told you life was gonna be this way [four claps]
In fact it's true, no one said anything all day
But who needs speech when we've got God to hear?
Wait and listen for a day each week, each month of every year, 'cause...

There's a Light in you
(That you shouldn't ignore)
There's a Light in you
(The divine's at your core)
There's a Light in you
(And there's one in me too)

The churches' doctrine battles made George Fox irate
He preached his own ideas by 1648
And Will Penn brought this stuff across the seas
So then Pennsylvania was the place for Quakers to meet in peace

There's a Light in you
(That you shouldn't ignore)
There's a Light in you
(The divine's at your core)
There's a Light in you
(And there's one in me too)

No one could ever agree
No one could e'er be friendly
So pacifism is our way of living happ'ly
Have Friends to face the day wth,
Quake it through all our quests with,
And Friends we'll always laugh with -
Except we'll do that silently too, yeah

But who needs speech when we've got God to hear?
Wait and listen for a day each week, each month of every year...

There's a Light in you
(That you shouldn't ignore)
There's a Light in you
(The divine's at your core)
There's a Light in you
(And there's one in me too)

There's a Light in you
There's a Light in you
There's a Light in you
(And there's one in me too)

If Dr. House Solved Theological Mysteries

And now for something completely different:

A script!

Sort of.

Meet Dr. House's new team: St. Augustine of Hippo, Pelagius, and Julian of Norwich.

Yes. Yes, I went there. And you're coming with me.

This will serve best as a review for those who took Church History I (up to late 15th century). Everybody else, it might just - dare I say - tempt you to read these authors' works...

...or convince you to avoid them like the plague. (But that's a House/Church History crossover for another day.)

---

[Deep Announcer Voice] You're watching House, M.D., episode: "Damned If You Do" "Deception" "House vs. God" "Human Error" "Saviors"

...Yeesh. All the good ones are taken, aren't they? Fine then.

[Resume Deep Announcer Voice] Episode: "Sin."

Fade in.

House: "Okay, Hippo, what have you got?"

Augustine: "Patient's a chronic liar."

House: "Everybody lies. Tell me something I don't know about him."

Pelagius: "Mates with anything that moves." (Pointed glare at Augustine.) "Steals food even when he is not hungry." (Second pointed glare.) "Prays for forgiveness of sinful behavior but never actually changes said behavior. I could go on."

House: "Please don't. Theories of origin?"

Augustine: "Inherited from the first human."

Pelagius: "Socialization. Culture. Habit."

Augustine: "Exacerbated by habit. Originated in the first human."

House (already bored of them): "Julian, you're awfully quiet today. You forget how to interact with other human life during your long career as an anchorwoman?"

Julian: "Anchoress, Dr. House."

House: "Same thing. So you have something to contribute, or do you want to think on it for another 25 years first?"

Julian: "I think the patient was just doing his best. He couldn't help but stumble, but he only stumbled because he wanted so greatly to please his Lord."

House: "God help us. Pelagius? You have a diagnosis rolling around in that perfect little head of yours?"

Pelagius: "Maybe it's lup-"

(House glares.)

Pelagius: "Uh, loop-de-loops. Terrible things. Everyone should walk the straight and narrow, I always say. We're all perfectly capable of avoiding spiritual detours."

Augustine (adding insistently): "God willing."

House: "Fine. We've established that it's sin. We don't know how it got there, but we know we want to get rid of it. Julian, they're a lost cause. I'm looking at you for a prognosis."

Julian: "All shall be well."

House: "That's not funny, Julian. You said that about the last three patients. We're trying to save a life here."

Augustine: "Salvation isn't in our hands, House. It is by God's mercy that--"

House (losing patience...no pun intended): "Okay, Hippo, I get it. Could you just tell the anchoress here that she can't give the same prognosis for every patient without even considering the nature of their illness? A guy could be wheeled in here on a gurney after being hit by a bus and she'd still say the same damned thing."

Julian (bristling at the use of 'damned'): "Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it can't happen."

House: "Wilson, is that you? You've done something to your hair. And voice. And..." (looks down her body and prickles)

Julian: "What I meant was what is impossible for you is not impossible for--"

House (sighs dramatically): "Pelagius, go break into Sinbad's house and look for some dirt on the man."

Pelagius: "I can't."

House: "Can't what?"

Pelagius: "Break into his house."

House: "Oh, for Christ's sake."

(Team members exchange glances.)

House: "That's it. You span 1000 years of church history among you and you still can't even fathom the basis of sin. How the hell do you expect to be able to figure out how it's treated?"

(Team members exchange glances. Then: uproar, chaos, heated arguments. House takes his cane and Vicodin and heads for the door.)

House: "We're missing something."

End scene.

I'm Dominican (The Thomas Aquinas Tango)

Apparently the Creativity Monster took hold of me during my church history studies this week, and this is the result.

I'm sorry that the Serious Posts thing didn't last extraordinarily long, but I hope you can forgive me since, really, this song from the "Scrubs" musical (the only episode of the show I've seen - thank you, YouTube and Curtis) is entirely wonderful on its own and worth every moment of allegedly wasted time.

Besides, for those of you studying Thomas Aquinas, the parody will be an upbeat review. Blame it on my high school science teachers who made up songs as teaching tools.

Now, imagine, if you will, Thomas Aquinas and I in an intense tango sequence. He's already dead, of course, but sort of alive in a studying-church-history kind of way. See, look how lively he is just thinking about dancing with me:



And in this case, pronounce "Augustine" as the British Au-GUS-tin, even though this usually doesn't matter because, as the prof says, he is sooo dead!

Lyrics below best read after this video:



"I'm Dominican"
Or, The Thomas Aquinas Tango

"I've had it up to here, so let me make it very clear,
Because I swear I'll never clue you in again.
Every time that you profess that I am Benedictine--"

"Yes?"

"For the last time, Kim, I'm Dominican!"

"Don't make a big to-do. I was simply testing you."

"Then why'd you say my accent sounds 'Cistercian'?"

"Tom, you know I know the truth."

"Well, I need a little proof.
So list all you've learnt about me in that class again."

"Uh. Let's see.
Your name is Thomas, 'last name' Aquinas.
You're a priest, a patron saint and - wait, I've got it - Franciscan..."

"Kim!"

"Ignatian...? Well, you must admit, you monks sure have a lot of sects."

"Tell me, what's my sainthood fame?"

"OK, I'm tired of this game.
Let's forget it. I give up. I guess you win again!
But it's not just me who gets mixed up
By all this strange monastic stuff."

"Sorry, even I know, he's Dominican."

"Did I die in Fossanova or in Michigan?
How long before I lived did Jesus fish for men?
Were my writings e'er inspired by Augustine?
Tell me, am I Benedictine or Dominican?"

"The thing is, students know dumb facts,
Like your birth just East-Southeast of Rome:
Year twelve twenty-five.
And that is why our brains are maxed,
And there's no room for things like doctrine or theology."

"Well, thank you for that glimpse into the minds of seminarians."

"Let's talk about your life and how you first became Dominican."

"Have you read some of my work?"

"Yeah, it made me go berserk...
But I liked the part 'bout proving God's existence."

"God's experienced like heat,
Not just wafers that you eat."

"I guess warmth would make sense to Dominicans.
...And Franciscans."

"Kim!"

"But you're Dominican!"

Hey There Corinthians

A song in honor of studying Paul's letters to the Corinthians (i.e. what came about as I was doing this week's Church History homework).

Best read after this video:



Hey there Corinthians,
What's it like in Corinth city?
I'm two hundred miles away,
And yes, it really is a pity,
But it's true:
Nobody needs help quite like you.
Advice is due.

Hey there Corinthians,
Don't you worry about the distance.
I've sent Timothy to see you;
He'll arrive and you can't miss 'm.
By the way,
What's this about idol feast days?
That's not OK.

Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat,
What you do to meat.

Hey there Corinthians,
I know times are getting hard,
But just believe me now --
The Lord will come again to mend what's marred.
We'll have it good.
We'll have the life we knew we would.
God's word is good.

Hey there Corinthians,
I've got so much left to say.
If every simple note I wrote to you
Would take your sins away,
I'd write it all.
Only Christ can catch us when we fall.
He saves us all.

(But by the way...)

Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.

Two hundred miles seems pretty far,
But we can navigate with stars.
I'll write you even when I cannot stay.
The guards may all make fun of us,
And we will just press on because
We know that none of them can change our ways.
Corinthians, I can promise you
That by the time God gets through
The world will never ever be the same,
For Jesus' name.

Hey there Corinthians,
You be good and don't you miss me.
Two more years and I'll be put in jail
And I'll be making history like I do.
(You'll know it's not because of you.
Sanhedrin do what they want to.)
Hey there Corinthians, here's to you.
This one's for you.

(Oh yeah, and...)

Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat,
What you do to meat.


-----

As a side note, it really sort of frightens me just how little of this song I needed to change.



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