A Girl's Best Friend, Anglican Style

It's been a while since I've posted one of my own song parodies, but I have a special treat for you.

Apparently the apple doesn't fall far from the ministerial tree -

I've just been notified that one of my former ministers and great mentors, the priest from an Episcopal Church I attended regularly over 10 years ago, is a parody lyricist.

This is rather how I imagine it would be to discover a hidden part of my family tree, thus clearing up some unexplained genetics. Really. This explains a lot.

But it gets better. She's not only written lyrics but has also taken it to the next level... and recorded a video.

So without further ado: "The Prayerbook Is A Girl's Best Friend." (Didn't you know that?)



Written and performed by Rev. Suzanne Guthrie (lyrics found here), based upon "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend" from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.

She puts me to shame. I think I need to step up my song parodies.

Thanks for the inspiration, Rev!

Passover Animated: If Moses Had Internet

My home-church often has a seder to commemorate Jesus' final Passover and Christianity's Jewish roots. This year Passover will begin at sunset on April 18th, so here's something to get you in the spirit over the course of this next week...

Or just to geek out over an animated retelling of Exodus. Either one.

Prove You Are Human!

Does anyone else find it somewhat ironic that our computers (human-programmed, but electronic droid machines nonetheless) are demanding that we prove our humanity?

I've had some fun with this. I've noticed that many bloggers and commenters enjoy providing creative definitions for the "word verifications" that test their human status in order to post replies. They often take it to the next level and use the usually imaginary word in a sentence. What a great way to have fun with something that is otherwise tedious!

For example, the zany people reading Cake Wrecks never cease to amuse:

W V - snetasa = a magic word to keep from sneezing at the wrong moment. (ilze)

WV - imast -- virtual ship spar? (Di)

WV: upses -- the direction in which Smeagol/Gollum moves in order to increase his altitude. (ClaireBear)

WV: foripi. I need to stop laughing foripi my pants. (elissa)

Then when I opened an account with BlogHer.com, I discovered that the art of the captcha code in other cyber spheres is even trickier. (And, speaking as a "word person," much less entertaining.)



Oh, they'll tell you how to do it.



But they aren't giving up the answers! That would be cheating your Humanity Test.




All those math teachers who told us that we would need math in the "real world" beyond school... Who knew they'd be right?

Of course, there was another recent occasion when the bots and I battled... and the bots won.

I mistyped my email username, but apparently my error was still someone else's email username, and the system did its thing and asked me why the heck my username and password didn't match up. It had me retype the password.

Several times.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong again. I was baffled. Finally, I had the option to answer my security question.



At which point I realized that either someone in Russia had broken into my email account, or I had done something stupid.

Thank you, Google droid. My humanity owes you one.

Getting Twitchy With It

Na na-na na na-na na.

(If that didn't sound musical to you, go here.)

True story.

I do local housecleaning. Today, the man of the house was in, and I helped him put up some wood molding along the ceiling.

This required the use of a nail gun.



Which he did not ask me to handle.



Fortunately.

Anyway, the family is planning a Halloween party and the house is Decked. Out. In fact, there's a witch decoration dangling from the ceiling about five feet from where we were working. It's motion- and sound-sensitive. Do you see where this is going? The witch didn't take kindly to the noise of the nail gun, which sounded just enough like a gun-shot that the ensuing animatronic screaming and maniacal laughter made for a good show.

Do you know how many nails it takes to secure wood molding? Neither do I. But that's how many times this lollapalooza of horrific fun happened. If the neighbors could have heard it, I would have had my fill of mischief 'til at least Halloween.

Sadly Mr. Boss was not amused. (He probably was when it first happened. I just must have missed it, and by then the novelty had worn off. I'm sure of it.)

But I was über amused, and über unable to record the actual event. So I conjured up some sound clips and re-created the magic for you. (Blogger-willing that it works.)



When I created the sound file, my computer wanted me to fill out a few fields of information on it. So I did.

Artist: Twitch the Witch
Track Title: It's Less Violent Than It Sounds
Album Title: Gettin' Twitchy Wit' It

I reiterate. Na na-na na na-na na.

I hope you sang it with me that time.

Bar Nun

For Lauren.

Luau Luau

Because we had an annual luau (the fourth, in fact). Like ya do.


It was also a birthday party for a few people.
There was cake and much rejoicing.

Best read after this video... and a fine video it is:



I said Luau Luau, oh oh, I said we gotta go.
Ah yeah-yeah yeah-yeah-yeah!
Luau Luau, oh baby,
I said we gotta go.

My Green Villa friends, they wait for me.
It's quite a trip through all the trees.
The squirrels that try to stare me down
Can't stop me when I'm Luau-bound!

I said Luau Luau, oh oh, I said we gotta go.
Ah yeah-yeah yeah-yeah-yeah!
Luau Luau, oh baby,
I said we gotta go.

Alright now, yeah...

(guitar solo)

When students need some levity,
Our "Captain Sparrow" leads festivities.
Sadly, next year he'll be gone,
But Luau feasts always will live on!

I said Luau Luau, oh oh, I said we gotta go.
Ah yeah-yeah yeah-yeah-yeah!
Luau Luau, oh baby,
I said we gotta go.

I said we gotta go now.





Thank you all for great food, great company, and a great time!
We'll miss you, Captain!

Study and Pay (Be Matriculated)

In honor of our matriculation service on Thursday, Sept. 9th, which you can see here.

With apologies to the Offspring... both the band and my own (hypothetical offspring), who may be scarred upon learning of their mother's parody-writing past.

Best read after this video:



You gotta be matriculated.

Economy is crashin'?
Save on residence fees:
The kids who camp out overnight in the classroom
Get diplomas with the greatest of ease.

The staff state their own school rationale -
That if they catch you skippin' then it's all over, pal.
Paid your tuition and you won't get it back.
They're gonna cash it in, cash it in, cash it in, cash it in...

Hey! Joined the university?
Sign the book!
You gotta be matriculated.

Hey! Now you're payin' mad money?
Sign the book!
You gotta be matriculated.

Hey, don't pay no mind.
Max out all your credits and you'll graduate on time.
Hey, study and pay.

By the time you find your passion
It's already too late.
Wrote your thesis on mating habits of quail;
You'd have rather studied Gregory the Great.

It goes down the same as the thousand before.
Now you're getting smarter;
That's what learning is for.
So for your next degree you've got it all figured out.
You're gonna write about Popes, write about Popes, write about...

Hey! Now you're payin' mad money?
Sign the book!
You gotta be matriculated.

Hey! Joined the university?
Sign the book!
You gotta be matriculated.

Hey, don't pay no mind.
Max out all your credits and you'll graduate on time.
Hey, study and pay.

It goes down the same as the thousand before.
Now you're getting smarter;
That's what learning is for.
So for your next degree you've got it all figured out.
You're gonna write about Popes, write about Popes, write about...

Hey! Joined the university?
Sign the book!
You gotta be matriculated.

Hey! Now you're payin' mad money?
Sign the book!
You gotta be matriculated.

Hey, don't pay no mind.
Max out all your credits and you'll graduate on time.
Hey, study and pay.

Squeaky Clean

Thank you for the name ideas - I am considering them all and even combinations thereof. I've just never experienced such indecision in naming my inanimate objects before. Clearly this one is special to me.

Lately, though, I find it difficult to envision my new bicycle with any name that doesn't sound like a squeal, or that is otherwise onomatopoeic, because if there is one thing my bicycle knows how to do, it's MAKE NOISE.

Allow me to illustrate. This is what Madison was like before this week:



And then...







Yes, I suspect it joyrides all day without me while I'm in class.

I can still hear it in my mind. It's like any other earworm. Repetitive and tuneless and the vocals are terrible, but you mentally sing along anyway because it allows you to think that you have some semblance of control over your own thoughts.



I'm pretty sure I can use "squeak" as a synonym for "ride my bike" now, as in, "I squeaked over to the store and picked up some squash."

So this week I squeaked to downtown(-ish) Madison. This trip went extraordinarily fast for a few reasons:

* Biking Squeaking is more efficient than walking.

* A good portion of the journey was downhill.

* The brakes are rather selective about when they choose to function.

But I was a warrior with an otherwise reliable steed, so I got there safely, and I met with a family for whom I'll be doing house-cleaning and maaaaaybe some painting and mostly a whole lot of organizing and finding places for things. I love exercising my spatial skill muscles. Putting food in tupperware is one nibble short of an adrenaline rush. It's like edible Tetris and my prize is a pre-made home-cooked meal for tomorrow.

I think my favorite part of the interview experience was when I started to name my price and they raised it. Was I asking too little? Do I really think so poorly of myself? Am I still being underpaid and blissfully unaware? Are they just so grateful for CLEAN?

Or, contrary to my prior fears, I'm a really good negotiator who is so skilled that the negotiating happens like a knife cuts through butter. When it's warm. Without someone having to hold the knife... Or something. Clearly analogizing is a lesser strength.

...I probably shouldn't push it.

Nonetheless, when I rode home, I felt triumphant. I squeaked up the hills, utterly left in the dust of this lovely older gentleman who apparently had more gusto than I... or equally likely, he knew what the little gears on his bicycle do. And I decided to pretend that the squeaky.squeaky.squeaky. that announced my plight was not just a characteristic of a donated bike with a mysterious past life.

No, I prefer to think it's heralding my arrival.



You know, when I finally get there.

Hey There Corinthians

A song in honor of studying Paul's letters to the Corinthians (i.e. what came about as I was doing this week's Church History homework).

Best read after this video:



Hey there Corinthians,
What's it like in Corinth city?
I'm two hundred miles away,
And yes, it really is a pity,
But it's true:
Nobody needs help quite like you.
Advice is due.

Hey there Corinthians,
Don't you worry about the distance.
I've sent Timothy to see you;
He'll arrive and you can't miss 'm.
By the way,
What's this about idol feast days?
That's not OK.

Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat,
What you do to meat.

Hey there Corinthians,
I know times are getting hard,
But just believe me now --
The Lord will come again to mend what's marred.
We'll have it good.
We'll have the life we knew we would.
God's word is good.

Hey there Corinthians,
I've got so much left to say.
If every simple note I wrote to you
Would take your sins away,
I'd write it all.
Only Christ can catch us when we fall.
He saves us all.

(But by the way...)

Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.

Two hundred miles seems pretty far,
But we can navigate with stars.
I'll write you even when I cannot stay.
The guards may all make fun of us,
And we will just press on because
We know that none of them can change our ways.
Corinthians, I can promise you
That by the time God gets through
The world will never ever be the same,
For Jesus' name.

Hey there Corinthians,
You be good and don't you miss me.
Two more years and I'll be put in jail
And I'll be making history like I do.
(You'll know it's not because of you.
Sanhedrin do what they want to.)
Hey there Corinthians, here's to you.
This one's for you.

(Oh yeah, and...)

Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat.
Oh, watch what you do to meat,
What you do to meat.


-----

As a side note, it really sort of frightens me just how little of this song I needed to change.



(Image copyright Gospel Communications International, Inc – www.reverendfun.com)

Eight Days a Week

Or, "A Lyrical Expression of How I Feel After the First Week of Classes"

Best read after this video:



Ooh I need some tea, babe,
And some cookies too.
Stock them in my room, babe,
'Cause I've got lots to do...

"Read me, write me, read me, write me!"
I ain't got nothin' but work, babe,
Eight days a week.

I'll read you someday, Miles,
For Church Hist'ry 1.
You're not a very big book
And yet you weigh a ton...

"Read me, write me, read me, write me!"
I ain't got nothin' but work, babe,
Eight days a week.

Eight days a week
I stu-u-u-u-u-dy.
Eight days a week
Is not enough to read it all.

Ooh I need coffee, babe,
And some chocolate too.
Stock them in my room, babe,
'Cause I've got lots to do.

"Read me, write me, read me, write me!"
I ain't got nothin' but work, babe,
Eight days a week.

Eight days a week
I stu-u-u-u-u-dy.
Eight days a week
Is not enough to learn it all.

Read Adams ev'ry day now,
Just finished Section 1.
(I've survived just one-twelfth
Of Social Justice fun.)

"Read me, write me, read me, write me!"
I ain't got nothin' but work, babe,
Eight days a week,
Eight days a week,
Eight days a week.

What I Like About You Drew

Best read after this video:



Hey, uh huh huh
Hey, uh huh huh

What I like about Drew -- you treat me right
House me in C204, nice big windows make it so bright, yeah

Students who have welcomed me here
Tell me all the things that I wanna hear... 'bout free food
That's what I like about Drew

What I like about Drew: you're gonna let me dance
And I'll go up, down, jump around, stumble like I'm stuck in a trance, yeah

Profs so great that they make me cheer
Tell me all the things that I wanna hear... work is due! (WHAT?!)
That's what I like about Drew
That's what I like about Drew
That's what I like about Drew

Wahh!

Hey!

What I like about Drew, your security's tight
Evans made us laugh and your lamps look like Narnia at night, yeah

Seminary staff allay all our fears
Tell us when we leave we MIGHT have careers... we say whew
(But please don't play like that, Drew)
That's what I like about Drew
That's what I like about Drew.....

Hey, uh huh huh, hey hey hey
Hey, uh huh huh, brrr
Hey, uh huh huh, hey